Holy Shit Batman! The World is Coming to A Close

17Dec07

I can’t fucking believe it. It’s really Christmas. I received my copy of “pre-purchased” hosing this past week. I never thought it was true, and I honestly thought that I had thrown my money away, but earlier this year when Corey’s new movie Universal Groove was released I foolishly purchased it knowing full well that I would never see it.

Little did I know that the film would actually be released!

I GOT MY COPY IN THE MAIL THIS PAST FRIDAY!

Now just that fact alone made me revel in awe, in fact I’m pretty happy that they didn’t take my $49.95 and run off with it.

What could these guys be thinking by releaseing a new Corey Haim movie. Damn just look at this guy’s IMDB credits and you’ll see that he hasn’t done anything in years. I checked around on the ‘net and the only people who really seem to want to have Corey make a comeback are the people at Life is Crap web site.  What’s wrong with you people? Don’t you realize that this markes the coming of The Armageddon? And I don’t mean that bullshit pictures where Bruce Willis dies on an asteroid saving the young people just so they can go back to Earth and fuck–mind you it is Liv Tyler, and she’s damn hot!

Where was I? Yes yes. The Life is Crap dudes: the above junk being written, they also slag the old (and I mean old) boy pretty often…often enough to make me read their blog, so I guess if the Pope considers non-catholics people with religion to be good people, then the Life is Crap dudes are good people too. So they’re good people.  

So on to the movie.

I can say this with true honesty. The film isn’t bad. Don’t worry, you shouldn’t expect to see Corey receiving an Academy Award for his part in it and there weren’t any cameos of Corey Feldman either. So I think we’re all relatively safe. Oh, and I don’t think that you should be rushing to find this in the video store unless you’re a real Corey sadsack waiting for your burned out 80’s heartthrob to take off his shirt again (which by the way is one of the more disturbing aspects of this film: Corey’s nudeness–hooray for all you people with boobies.)

Essentially the poor–woe is me–producers with their sack of sad stories about how long the movie has taken to be released have not created an arty-vision. Instead they’ve pushed mankind one step closer to the edge of disaster and distruction. The wind was already knocked clean out of my lungs when I went to the post office to pick up my package.

And what about the packaging? It was huge and bulky. Is that where my $49.95 went? Packaging? A bit un-green of you guys to send it in a box the size of a toaster…and did you really need all the styrofoam pellets added too?

Last night I settled into the groove in my couch, plopped the DVD into the machine and settled in for a deem hourd and a  half of staring into the sun. Time elapsed, and blindness well set in I can honestly say it wasn’t bad. The film’s got a pretty decent soundtrack, and Corey is…well…plain Corey. Wandering around mostly stoned, confused, with his shirt off and doing non-sensical things.

Oh yeah. Corey’s character is a writer (I suppose that’s appropriate since he’s not much of an actor) he’s completely unable to write anything (no surprise there) and decides that they best way to become inspired is head off to what seems like a crazy drug addled dance party in the middle of a giant warehouse. Inspiration finally hits at the end of the night / morning in a cafe with two unmemorable women and a guy with floppy eyes. He runs off into the sunset and then the film just ends.

Sounds like armageddon to me!

And now he’s got a role in a film called Lost Boys 2: The Tribe…oh wait he backed out of that one because he couldn’t come to Canada (his country of birth) to act?? As if.

And now he’s got a role in a film called Lance Lazer The Amazer…what a winner title that is. No amount of searching on the Internet turns up anything good on this one…oh wait the title’s now been removed from his IMDB credit list, AND his Wikipedia entry??? They guy just can’t even hold down a good story long enough for it to float about the Internet and at least leave some trace of credibility hanging by strings in Google.

Ok that’s it for now. When my digital cam comes back from the shop I’ll snap up a pickie of the DVD and case for ya.

If you’re going to duck my advise is go down deep enough to kiss your ass goodbye.

Filed under: bullion, comebacks, corey feldman, corey haim, drugs, Entertainment, independent film, loser, missing corey haim movie, stoned, universal groove, without a clue   |  3 Comments
Tags: $49.95, Bruce Willis, corey feldman, corey haim, DVD, Finally Arrived, Google, Just Released, New Movie, universal groove, Waste of a Saturday night