I’ll tell you where he is: begging for food. Corey’s apparently gone and put an ad in Variety magazine saying “…I’m back…I’m ready to work…and I’m ready to make amends….” The article below just brings a tear to my eye.

http://www.seattleweekly.com/arts/blogs/threadcount/2008/02/corey_haim_wed_like_to_help.php

So Corey if you’re really going to be handing out apologies we suggest you start here: 

Then move on to this list:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000433/

I’ll accept your apologies starting with Universal Groove and ending with License To Drive.

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Sheeez.

That’s what I have to say. If I was a ‘pimp’in’ dude like that skinny ass rapper Snoop Dogg then I’d probably say something clever like “foshnizzle stix” but alas I’m not that cool, nor do I ever dream or pretend to be.

So this morning I was puking my guts out because I drank to much with my breakfast, BEEReal isn’t always the best choice, but considering that’s all I had in the fridge this AM to quench libation it really was the only choice. Once my stomach was done and the wretching and heaving had come undone I parked my ass down to surf the magic of the Internet.

It’s true that at 9AM I’m usually surfing for large breasts and pearl necklaces, but this morning it had been a while since I’d added to the Corey Haim Armaggeddon watch, so I thought I’d help us all out with a touch of research.

Googling “Corey Haim Lost Boys 2” pretty much did me in and I returned to the bathroom to continue where I’d left off only 20 minutes earlier. So…

Sheeez. or foshnizzle stix!

Either way we’re in for a long 2008. Corey Haim is back again proving that you can’t just give a zombie an axe and expect it to cut its own head off. You’ve got to go after it yourself. Fucking guy.

According to /film Corey Haim’s finally joined LB2: The Tribe, and he’s pushing it as hard as he can. The studio’s filming scene’s from the original script that included Haim’s wonderkind character Sam Emerson. Proving that you can’t keep the 2 corey’s apart for very long afterall.

http://www.slashfilm.com/2008/02/08/corey-haim-joins-lost-boys-2/

Of course if you’re like me and you want our blogalistic integrity to be without question then you just don’t rely on a bunch of film geeks with a web site called /film. Instead you surf around to see if everyone’s reporting the same lies:

The fine assholes at shocktilyoudrop.com :

http://www.shocktillyoudrop.com/news/topnews.php?id=4676

The bloody disgusting guys at bloodydisgusting.com:

http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/news/11129

Seems that he’s got yet another shot at reviving his “oh so dead” career. He can’t do shit without Feldog…

Who incidently confirmed on his Blog “Confessions of a Human Vagina” that he and Haim are actually running off to shoot The Two Coreys Season 2. Fuck me.

Does the bad news ever end? All we need now is for the Universal Groove guys to get their schtick together this year, hit major distribution and then it’ll be the big bang all over again.

Ah Corey my boy, you may have had it hard, but when the Priory of Scion finds out what you’re doing the assassins will come for you. Believe you me…they’ll come.

Now where’s my Guinness?


Yes that’s right. Just when you thought it was safe to be a usual run of the mill bi-a-tch you just can’t. Why not? Because there are other bi-a-tches out there bigger and badder than you. Inspite of the writer’s strike that threatens to destroy all season openers for 2008, there’s one giant on the block who just doesn’t care about writers at all.

And that’s A&E.

There was a time when A&E used to stand for Arts & Entertainment. Now it should really just stand for Awww & Ewww! There’s no arts on that channel anymore; it has slowly over the years burrowed itself into the heart of reality tv to become nothing more than the core around which all these television debacles revolve. They were the ones who brought you such classics as “Breaking Bonaduce”, “Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels”, and of course “The Two Coreys”.

Utter (fucking) genius.

So I watched every episode of The Two Coreys, and I really really tried to hold back my puke. That car wreck was so fucking engaging that I thought to myself no executive in their right mind would green-lite this thing for a second season. Right? Right?

Well Awww & Ewww television is apparently pursuing a second season of The Two Coreys with such vehemence that in spite of the “two Coreys'” insipid infighting this will likely be a reality for both you and I this summer. I suspect that both Coreys will sign for a second season despite their “skyrocketing” careers. And to quote off the Feldog Blog (I guess that should be Felblog) :

“…Well , heres some quick updates on what’s coming up this year…..firstly the powers that be at the A&E network have demanded a second season of “The Two Corey’s”. Will I do it? Should I do it? Frustrating isn’t it. Welcome to my world! haha….. Let’s just say we are currently having creative talks and negotiations to see if we can find a way to continue the show even given the broken state that Haim and my relationship is in . Please note for the record this is not about or because of Susie, the problems Haim and I have in real life occured after the show was over and do not have anything to do with the scripted banter from last season. That said, if we do come back the next season will have to be darker, edgier, and more real because that’s where it’s at…”

Note that our boy Feldman is enjoying his Christmas day 2007 by posting this trite crap and not spending time with his personal MILF. I’d be up in there, that’s for sure. If you’re really interested in reading the FelBlog then go here:

http://coreyfeldman.wordpress.com/category/merry-christmas-and-an-exciting-new-year/ 

You should note that he also talks about there being a Lost Boys 3 in there somewhere, when I get a confirmation that Warner Bros. is moving on that then we can add them to the dead pool too…and trust me I’ll write about it then too.

And what does the Haimster have to say about all of this?

Nothing. Just a gust of wind blowing through the vale. I hear nothing, so I assume that he’s still behind the dumpster looking for his career.

Wait Corey, what’s that? Is that it? Oh no. Sorry it’s just Universal Groove lying there waiting for someone to find it and buy it enough times to contribute to your lunch money. And yes I can say that because I dropped coin on it, so you better have enjoyed that lunch I bought ya.

What yer step y’all, the Armageddon is coming.


I can’t fucking believe it. It’s really Christmas. I received my copy of “pre-purchased” hosing this past week. I never thought it was true, and I honestly thought that I had thrown my money away, but earlier this year when Corey’s new movie Universal Groove was released I foolishly purchased it knowing full well that I would never see it.

Little did I know that the film would actually be released!

I GOT MY COPY IN THE MAIL THIS PAST FRIDAY!

Now just that fact alone made me revel in awe, in fact I’m pretty happy that they didn’t take my $49.95 and run off with it.

What could these guys be thinking by releaseing a new Corey Haim movie. Damn just look at this guy’s IMDB credits and you’ll see that he hasn’t done anything in years. I checked around on the ‘net and the only people who really seem to want to have Corey make a comeback are the people at Life is Crap web site.  What’s wrong with you people? Don’t you realize that this markes the coming of The Armageddon? And I don’t mean that bullshit pictures where Bruce Willis dies on an asteroid saving the young people just so they can go back to Earth and fuck–mind you it is Liv Tyler, and she’s damn hot!

Where was I? Yes yes. The Life is Crap dudes: the above junk being written, they also slag the old (and I mean old) boy pretty often…often enough to make me read their blog, so I guess if the Pope considers non-catholics people with religion to be good people, then the Life is Crap dudes are good people too. So they’re good people.  

So on to the movie.

I can say this with true honesty. The film isn’t bad. Don’t worry, you shouldn’t expect to see Corey receiving an Academy Award for his part in it and there weren’t any cameos of Corey Feldman either. So I think we’re all relatively safe. Oh, and I don’t think that you should be rushing to find this in the video store unless you’re a real Corey sadsack waiting for your burned out 80’s heartthrob to take off his shirt again (which by the way is one of the more disturbing aspects of this film: Corey’s nudeness–hooray for all you people with boobies.)

Essentially the poor–woe is me–producers with their sack of sad stories about how long the movie has taken to be released have not created an arty-vision. Instead they’ve pushed mankind one step closer to the edge of disaster and distruction. The wind was already knocked clean out of my lungs when I went to the post office to pick up my package.

And what about the packaging? It was huge and bulky. Is that where my $49.95 went? Packaging? A bit un-green of you guys to send it in a box the size of a toaster…and did you really need all the styrofoam pellets added too?

Last night I settled into the groove in my couch, plopped the DVD into the machine and settled in for a deem hourd and a  half of staring into the sun. Time elapsed, and blindness well set in I can honestly say it wasn’t bad. The film’s got a pretty decent soundtrack, and Corey is…well…plain Corey. Wandering around mostly stoned, confused, with his shirt off and doing non-sensical things.

Oh yeah. Corey’s character is a writer (I suppose that’s appropriate since he’s not much of an actor) he’s completely unable to write anything (no surprise there) and decides that they best way to become inspired is head off to what seems like a crazy drug addled dance party in the middle of a giant warehouse. Inspiration finally hits at the end of the night / morning in a cafe with two unmemorable women and a guy with floppy eyes. He runs off into the sunset and then the film just ends.

Sounds like armageddon to me!

And now he’s got a role in a film called Lost Boys 2: The Tribe…oh wait he backed out of that one because he couldn’t come to Canada (his country of birth) to act?? As if.

And now he’s got a role in a film called Lance Lazer The Amazer…what a winner title that is. No amount of searching on the Internet turns up anything good on this one…oh wait the title’s now been removed from his IMDB credit list, AND his Wikipedia entry??? They guy just can’t even hold down a good story long enough for it to float about the Internet and at least leave some trace of credibility hanging by strings in Google.

Ok that’s it for now. When my digital cam comes back from the shop I’ll snap up a pickie of the DVD and case for ya.

If you’re going to duck my advise is go down deep enough to kiss your ass goodbye.


Love Monkey #9

13Sep07

The mystic Love Monkey #9 episode of The Two Coreys was absolute trash. Nothing more than Suzie and Feldman sitting on that terribly shit art deco post-modern “couch” (must have been uncomfortable for mrs. feldman’s bony ass) and reminiscing on how much they just loved being with Haim. The really funny thing is that they were signed for 8 episodes of that crap, and then this magic #9 ball shows up extending the life of the show for one more fucking week. Shabeez. Geez. Smelly.

 Still we got to review a bunch of footage that we’d never seen before because it had never been aired. I suspect that the Haimster will still receive a check in the mail to buy his next boatload of drugs…yes mistah clean-boy! Yes!

So Haim has flown away. they’re both pissed at each other. They both started shooting Lost Boys 2 2 weeks ago; and the press is reporting that they hate each other. More likely have staged this hate relationsip with eachother because they live on different coasts and it’s easier that way.

What’s next for Corey Haim now that Love Monkey Episode #9 is complete? Why the pharmacy of course! Got to get that next Rx filled out just in time. After all he’s got to brace himself for another Larry King appearance once his Oscar winning performance is seen in the forthcoming Universal Groove.


The 8th of the 8 x 30minute episdoes that A&E paid for are now over. But wait there’s a magic episode number 9 which according to A&E will be a Suzie and Feldog rehasing how much they lamented inviting the Haimster over for dinner that one time when he never left–it’ll air on Sept 9, 2007. Woo hoo! That means more Corey reruns until then.

Where’s my spare bullet?

So with Lost Boys 2 principle photography beginning tomorrow one can only hope that the world can keep it together long enough for Universal Groove to be released in October before it just completely falls apart.

 *Sigh*

Where are the glory days of love? A bunch of lost boys are repeatedly finding themselves a home on my TV set every sunday and it’s killing me slowly.

I do think however it’s time to invent a Two Coreys drinking game. Maybe that’ll be my hobby this week. I’ll let you know how it goes next week.


And here it is. Whether the fan and site reivews stating that The Two Coreys is nothing but pure pretrified and boring shite, are believed by the networks. I suspect that the year of “The Corey” is right around the corner because a second season is on the way.

While 2007 is likely to be known as they year they tried to blaze a path on the comeback trail, I’m certain that the Year of the Corey will be 2008! God help us all.

Of course now that the show has been lit up and been on the air we learn that Corey Haim is nothing short of a liar–so is Feldman too–scam of scams. Rope us into watching your crappy show and then push this bullshit tears of pain that your life is over becasue Lost Boys 2 doesn’t have you in it?

 LIAR! Give me back my shoes.

According to a gagillion sites out there both Feldman & Haim are holding onto those contracts they signed with Satan for dear life since Lost Boys 2 *WILL* star none other than our soul selling comeback desperate hellbound freaks.

 Check it out on : shock til you drop 

 I’m going to go to the local bookie now and place a bet as to which film–Lost Boys 2, or Universal Groove–will be released first!


What is it about him that makes us watch? Is it because he looks like a car wreck victim saved by the jaws of life? Is it because on the show The Two Coreys he still looks like he’s tweaking on something? or is it because we just love to hate to love him?

 I’ve got no clue what the right answer is, but I watch.

And I watched the Coreys “biography” on A&E yesterday too. I’m not sure what’s happening to me but I feel as thought my human condition is melting away, and as if I’m on some kind of autopilot out of control ride.

Part of me wants this to work and see the Second Coming of the Corey; and part of me wants it to fail so that we can all be safe in our little bubbles where the Coreys no longer exist, no longer can act, and are no longer part of recent memory; a place where they exist strictly for our amusement in faded thoughts of a long time ago in a galaxy far far away…

But still I watch; with a fervor and hunger that consumes me and my life. Please make it stop; so that I may sleep and not dream of things that may or may not be. Please make it stop as a heart does stop when it comes to arrest.

As Linda Blair’s stomach did say “help me…” please.

###

Duck, the armageddon is nigh.


Yo! I just watched the Haimster on The Two Corey’s tongith, and he’s lookin’ mighty buff. I’d say let me see you take off your shirt boi! And show me your stuff. None of that skinny ass shit you were dragging along like a dead animal’s carcass in the 80’s. No no no.

I’m talking about that Buddy Love style you’ve got going on now. My my my and from the back of the broom closet comes the fat suit:

You’ve come a long way baby.


Can Corey really make a come back? Is The Two Coreys / Universal Groove going to be the one two punch that Corey needs to really bring his career back to life? I’m going to find out.

I’ve gone to the Universal Groove Web Site and purchased a copy of the film. Now apparently I have to wait until October 1, 2007 to get to see the film, and that’s fine. I can wait. After waiting this long another month or so won’t kill me. We’ll have to see if the wait is worth it.

According to the producer’s blog the running time is just over 90 minutes. So if its crap I won’t have wasted too much time on it. Oh, but if it’s good…watch out and watch me watch it over and over again!

Alright Corey. Let’s see what you’ve got.